Match–Mirror–Move: Rethinking Co-Regulation - Conversation with Heidi Warren
by Kim Barthel and Bob Spensley
In a recent conversation that can be seen here between Kim and our educator/friend from the Yukon Heidi Warren, the discussion turned to one of Kim’s signature frameworks: Match–Mirror–Move. This simple yet profound concept challenges the common belief that regulation means being “calm.” Instead, being regulated is about being authentically connected to oneself - in any emotional state.
As they explored together, effective co-regulation doesn’t come from pretending to be calm when you’re not. It begins with authenticity. When an adult stays truly present, even in the face of big emotions, it creates resonance and safety. From there, mirroring communicates empathy - “I see you, I feel you, you’re not alone.” Only then can a gentle move toward a new state of regulation begin.
Here’s how it works, the three steps of Match–Mirror–Move:
Match (FEEL)
This means really tuning in to a child’s emotional energy and intensity, before anything else. You notice not just their words, but their whole state - their feelings, their body energy, and how “revved up” or “shut down” they may be in the moment.
When you match them there energetically - with deep presence and empathy - the child feels “you get me.” Match builds safety and trust because they feel truly felt by you. And to do this authentically, you must also be connected to yourself, which may be the hard part. But reminder, we’re matching the energy, not the behaviour, and it may take just one second to do so.
Mirror (ACT)
From this place of resonance, Mirror involves reflecting the child’s experience back to them through your body language, tone, affect, and verbal validation. Mirror assists with the child’s own self-awareness and cognition about their present state, even without words. Whatever you do that mirrors their experience to them, these actions communicate “I see you, I hear you, I understand.”
Mirror is an important part of co-regulation as it visibly demonstrates attunement, it connects you both without judgment, and in doing so helps create the conditions for shared safety to begin. Like energetic matching, the action of mirroring doesn’t take long at all.
Move (SHIFT)
Once the Match and Mirror connection is established, the step of Move happens more gently and may take more time, but it’s a critical step in co-regulation so that the child isn’t stuck. “Move” is not about forcing calm or compliance, which has the potential to increases stress and separation. Move is about offering subtle invitations to shift (sometimes through modelling, sometimes by presenting new ideas), whether the shift is in their state of regulation, their perspective, or whatever it is they’re doing that’s causing them a present challenge. In this way, Move respects the individual’s readiness, pacing, and autonomy while still holding the possibility of change.
The offering of Match-Mirror-Move as a simple framework to have in mind highlights that co-regulation is never about shutting down emotions. Rather, it’s about meeting other people’s emotions with authenticity, presence, and attunement - the true foundations of safety and connection - and then helping them move forward with dignity. As Kim and Heidi discuss in the video above, this information is relevant to educators, other professionals and caregivers who value regulation and co-regulation as foundations for learning and function.