The Courage to Look in the Mirror
The Courage to Look in the Mirror (by Bob Spensley)
“The only person you can change is yourself” has consistently been expressed by Kim Barthel (with conviction) in every workshop offered over the past years. One thing this means to me is that when our efforts are purely to control others’ “bad behaviour” we are wasting our time or worse, causing damage to the relationship.
A large part of providing therapy services is supporting people, offering options, and doing many things to help them be their best selves. But any act of service begins with us being our best selves.
We are the one ingredient, the one tool, the one resource that we bring with us everywhere we go – for better or for worse. We have the power to influence how people feel about themselves far more than we may ever be aware.
If we are so potentially powerful – not just in “what” we do but in “how” we do things, in the way that we “are” with people – why aren’t we more actively self-reflecting about how we affect the people around us? Why don’t people deeply and honestly look in the mirror more often? Maybe the answers are:
1) When things are tough, it’s easier to blame others
2) It hurts too much to consider our contributions to any given situation of conflict
3) We’re not used to being held accountable for our attitudes
4) When we do look at ourselves closely, we don’t always/often like what we see
It could also be that some may not know where to start.
I asked Kim this question, “Why don’t people look at themselves more?”. Her feeling is that it’s most likely because of the shame we all carry. She says we often work hard to bury or mask the heavy and sticky parts of ourselves, and we don’t often realize until late that carrying shame (the feeling that we are inherently bad) isn’t actually helpful to anyone, least of all ourselves. So I asked her the bottom line of why it’s so important to look at ourselves. Her answer, “If we all have specks in our eyes, I won’t be able to see clearly enough to take the speck out of your eye until I take the one out of my own eye first.”
At Relationship Matters we’ve all been agreeing that looking in the mirror to potentially change how we show up takes real courage. Examining one’s own shadow sides, areas “to work on”, biases we may have of any shade, privileges of any kind, is hard. And, these are discussions to be leaned into. It’s not just racism, gender bias, ageism, sexual orientation, politics, class differences or any topics making the headlines. It may be the tiniest nuances of anything that pulls us apart from others that either strikes fear or shame or pity into the people we aim to connect with.
The rub is that to invest the energy into becoming more self-aware (with the intention of becoming a better human) implies that we must love ourselves enough to actually take care of ourselves first.
I find it curious that sometimes for some of us in the caring professions, despite genuinely being in our chosen fields to help others, we may be distracted from paying close attention to ourselves by focusing too much on others. Not to suggest this is widespread, but when some are in compulsive-caregiving mode and the work becomes an addiction, where our worth and value are only tied to filling our clients’ needs, then we can become ripe for feelings of guilt, burn out and resentment.
When we take the other track, however – of aiming to be our own best well-cared-for selves first – we instantly do two things:
1) We increase the odds of achieving our goals because we are operating within our own circle of influence; we are essentially in control of ourselves, our thoughts and our choices. We are not ultimately in control of others, so investing in the outcome of other people changing before us is definitely lowering the odds.
2) When we actively aim to be our best selves we model what others might do to become their best selves. Rather than telling others what to do, hoping, worrying or forcefully controlling, it turns out that modeling is considerably more effective at influencing change in people around us.
An example: Imagine we are all small shop owners beside each other on a busy street with a dusty sidewalk out front of each of our places of business. We could become a society of sweeping the dust from in front of our shops onto the front of our neighbours’ shops, and we could also complain every day about them sweeping their dust onto ours. Neither of these practices are uncommon. But neither of those strategies is ultimately serving to get rid of the dust. There is a great line in the movie “Thanks for Sharing” about how someone manages to live with a serial addict, someone whose behaviours can’t be controlled. The answer was something to the effect of “I try to keep my own side of the street clean.” I think that’s brilliant.
We can sweep our areas, then put our own garbage in the garbage, and have faith that others might recognize value in doing the same. “Attraction, not promotion” is the indirect sideways approach strategy as described by Kim and Theo when it comes to encouraging healthier living. When the other shop owners see for themselves that less dust is blowing around due to the little bit you’re removing from the overall mess, then they might want to make that example for others.
In concrete terms, other than sweeping, what can we do become our best selves? This probably and rightly could be described differently for every single one of us. But before getting to action, towards assessing where we’re at, there are many frames or references and tools to help us. In the past I’ve looked into the Enneagram (looking into what drives our motivations when we’re thriving vs when we’re stressed), Myers-Briggs (personality inventory), Astrology (divining information about human affairs by studying the movements and relative positions of celestial objects), True Colors model of personality temperament, and Attachment Theory (Avoidant vs Connection Seeking adaptive strategies). I have also asked a few trusted friends what they think of me and on very rare occasions had work reviews/job appraisals, but that last one frankly didn’t ever seem to help anything. Hopefully others have more positive experiences in that regard. But there are plenty of ways to try to look at ourselves.
What’s behind the line of thinking about self-awareness at this specific time, is that as 53 year-old white man in 2021 I’m currently harnessing my own courage in looking at myself. I’ve come across a relatively new tool (new to me) that helps to self-assess anyone’s emotional intelligence, it is called the “EQ-i 2.0”. This was introduced to me and a number of brave colleagues by our Hilary LeRoy-Gauthier, who as someone qualified to administer it is coaching a number of us through a 4-month process of self-analysis. For those who may have not heard of the dynamics of Emotional Intelligence, I’m learning it’s how we understand ourselves, express ourselves, connect with others and take care of ourselves – all in the context of everyday leadership and how we show up for others as our best selves. As a reflective tool, the EQ-I 2.0 brings to light the set of ways we interact with the environment. It is meant to invite curiosity about how we show up in ways that are most meaningful; what do we believe about the world and our place in it? From this place of reflection, we can decide what we want to grow and change, if anything; ultimately, it is up to us. For me it’s looking more deeply at how I impact my colleagues, clients, family members and friends vs. how I would consciously like to be affecting them. Admittedly, it’s a work in progress.
Socrates reportedly defiantly said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”. How does this statement relate to the concept of us trying to look into the mirror almost 2,500 years later? My belief is that the examined life will make us more capable of achieving the life we actually want to be living. Kim adds, with infinite parameters, “This is what fuels the possibility for hope.”
I know this journey is without end. But so far, it seems to be worth a reflection...