Curiosity vs. Judgement: How the Brain Chooses Either to Connect or to Protect
By Kim Barthel
At Relationship Matters courses we often encourage participants to “stay curious”, but what is it about curiosity that is so powerful? Why does it soften people’s defenses, deepen connection, support learning and open the door to healing within us and with others? The answer lies deep in the neural architecture of our brains.
Let’s look at what happens when the brain is in curiosity/exploration mode, and how that differs from when it slips into judgement, a protective state that can close us off from growth, safety, and relationship. Curiosity is not just a pleasant feeling - it’s a distinct neurobiological state that’s powered by the brain’s approach system. This is what motivates us to explore, to ask questions, and to engage with uncertainty in a way that still feels energizing and safe. It’s very different from the brain’s avoidance system which is linked with feelings of judgement.
Here’s how the brain gets involved:
Dopamine Pathways: The Reward System
When we’re curious, our brain lights up with dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation. This activity originates in the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and the nucleus accumbens in the brainstem, areas linked to reward and drive. That’s why discovering something new can feel thrilling; it’s because our brains are literally rewarding us for exploring.
Hippocampus: Memory and Meaning
Curiosity also activates the hippocampus, the brain’s memory centre. When we’re engaged and curious, we’re more likely to retain new information and connect it to what we already know. This is how we make meaning and how learning becomes personal and lasting.
Medial Prefrontal Cortex: Openness and Flexibility
The medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) helps integrate new experiences with our sense of self. It plays a key role in open-mindedness - allowing us to update our perspectives without needing to be “right” at the expense of others.
Anterior Cingulate Cortex: Tolerating Uncertainty
This part of the brain helps us monitor conflict and uncertainty. Instead of reacting with fear or rigidity, a curious brain can pause, reflect, and stay present with the unknown. This is where true inquiry and compassionate exploration come alive.
Why This Matters in Relationships:
Curiosity creates a state of openness, not just in the mind, but in the nervous system. When we meet others with curiosity rather than judgement, our brains are wired to engage, empathize, and co-regulate. It’s a state of safety and connection.
But when the brain shifts into judgement, it often signals threat detection, activating protective systems that can shut down exploration and narrow our perspectives. This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s a necessary survival response. But in relational dynamics, it can lead to misunderstanding, shame, or disconnection which can discourage healthy relationships and new learning.
The gift of curiosity is that it offers a different option. One that says: “I wonder what’s going on here?” rather than “I already know what this means.” Choosing curiosity - when we can - invites us to stay present with ourselves and each other, especially when things are unclear, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable.
Curiosity may be the key to leaning into uncomfortable conversations.
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For reference, for an expansion of discussions about how neurobiology informs healthy co-regulation, check out our online on-demand Regulation Matters series.
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