Shame on You?

Shame on You? (by Kim Barthel and Bob Spensley)

"Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you!”

These are words we’ve been hearing a lot recently, being directed at different people in different contexts. In some of the situations, we agree the judgements themselves are valid; in others we see the words as angry projections triggered by the shamer’s own emotional pain. In either case, the shamer is likely trying to change the person they are pointing at, to make them feel bad about themselves, so that they will be held accountable for something. Given we’re feeling that blaming and shaming and "black and white thinking" is on the rise in many corners of the world, we’d like to dedicate this blog space and time to asking ourselves this question - is blaming and shaming actually effective at changing other people’s behaviour? And if not, what can we do to bring more accountability into this world that needs it?

As the above image of the teacher and student seems to portray, the teacher is trying to hold the student accountable for something. We imagine she thinks she’s doing her job, but we also believe her strategy won’t get the desired results. Both of them look highly stressed; this is opposite of the mindset for optimum learning or teaching. 

Here’s the problem: When we want others to be held accountable, it often comes with shame. We want them to feel bad. But the more brain science is understood, we know that shame is a root cause of stress, which can make challenging behaviours more exaggerated or dangerously suppressed, causing increased division and pain over time for both the one being shamed and for the one doing the shaming. 

When we feel others have done something “wrong”, that we’ve been wronged or that others have been wronged, and we want it to be different, our desire for change can be initiated from two different places. While it could be from a curious, regulated place, seeking to understand the other before responding, when shaming is involved it often comes from a wounded place that might be dysregulated and reactive in nature. 

 Shaming and blaming, when it’s a demand for the other to take responsibility, can be an externalization of the blamer’s own ego, trauma history and places of personal suffering. Inherent in the process of shaming is an underlying sense of wanting the other to feel as much pain as we are feeling. Hurt people, hurt people. Interpersonal neurobiology has illuminated the poisonous impact of shame on the brain, especially within the context of close personal relationships and self-identity. Shame is experienced as rejection, low self-esteem, lack of worth, and self-loathing. Feeling deeply ashamed of ourselves can be isolating, as if we’ve been abandoned. Our biology is designed to avoid these horrific feelings that when present, contribute to our insecure relational patterns and negative sense of self throughout our lifespan. 

It could be argued that self-hatred and self-harm are on the rise around the world as much as there is a growing absence of accountability. Why? What’s the possible correlation? We can theorize that the more we hate ourselves the more we lash out at others (and hurt ourselves), decreasing connection and denying interdependence. In conditions of connection and when there’s an acknowledgement of interdependence, accountability comes naturally.

How then do we hold others accountable without shaming? How do we protect ourselves and society from hurtful actions without simultaneously rejecting the human doing the action? Separating the person from the behaviour can be very hard, especially when our judgements about the behaviour are intense. Sometimes this seems impossible. So when this is the case, what part of the equation can we still control?

An easier solution? Holding ourselves accountable for our own actions, without self-shame. Let’s explore this. 

What is accountability? To be accountable is to be responsible for our part in any conflict. Intention vs impact is an important consideration. Even without malicious intent, many individuals engage in actions that either unintentionally wound or despite one’s best efforts have a negative impact on the receiver. For us, being accountable means having the intention to begin with of causing no harm, being aware of the impact of our actions (or non-actions when actions would have been merited), and then the willingness to own up for our part in anything that does cause harm. To do this we would need to be checking in with our intentions as well as our impacts, and then care enough to see if and when repair is needed. Putting the idea of a Judgement Day aside, there is a lot of self-reflection that can be done in the meantime. In trauma-sensitive living as we understand it, each one of us is responsible (if we are cognitively capable) for how we interact with others at every moment. Leaning into this sense of responsibility encourages self-awareness; what we’re finding now is that self-awareness only helps if it’s combined with an element of self-compassion. 

Espousing accountability for self can also be very vulnerable. It means looking deeply at ourselves. Especially when there are some things in ourselves that we would find abhorrent in others, self-compassion is easier said than done, so this may not be the easier path at all. But if shaming others leads to more pain, and looking into our own shadows isn’t yet in the cards, where does this leave us?

How about going back to judging others more harshly? From historical, cultural, ethical, political and environmental wrongs to the interpersonal hurts being caused by so many individuals…is the solution to increasingly judge more harshly in accordance with the way we see the world? In several cases, where justice, fairness and decency seem abhorrently absent, we need to be more discerning and proactively engaged. The purpose of this blog after all is to encourage more accountability, so of course we have to have judgement; making judgements is natural and can be necessary for survival.

The question isn’t to have judgements or not to have judgements. What’s worth considering is what will be the net results of HOW we choose to express our judgements. What levels of shame might be perpetuated by our judgement process that may express themselves in unhealthy ways over time? How much more division and pain may potentially result from any shaming we do? This question is simply an offering for reflection in the day-to-day moments when we passionately and understandably want and need others to be held accountable. It does not speak to the boundaries needed to ensure further harm is done, and it does not address the healing required after harms are committed. Those are topics for other reflections.

There is a call to action related to accountability, however. It’s for us to be increasingly self-aware about our own intentions and impacts, and when we have them to own up to our shortcomings with self-compassion so we don’t hurt ourselves in the process. “To thine own self be true” doesn’t just mean treat yourself well; it means hold yourself to a high standard of accountability in your actions while still loving yourself. Self-accountability is the place to start because no matter how much we may want to change others, the only person we can change is ourself. 

Being hard on ourselves is remarkably easy (we’re already good at that), so how can we hold ourselves more accountable while still being compassionate to ourselves? That’s a 70-million-dollar question, and we’re not sure of the answer. But part of it may be internalizing that our practice of self-compassion, for better or worse, is related to the way in which we express our judgements – with shame, or with compassionate curiosity? If we want there to be more accountability in this unfair world, don’t we need to be the change we wish to see?